what would you name your shadow self?

a full moon reflection

Celestial Pablum by Remedios Varo

Dearest friend,

I’d like to tell you about Jolene. But first, I must tell you about the moon.

Today the moon is in its fullest state — a phase of complete illumination in its cycle. A time of exposure, brilliant truth, and spotlighting inventory of our lives. A time to witness all that has been in darkness.

During a full moon, we go out into the cover of night, to see our shadows. Have you done this lately? Oh, how I adore a shadow cast by the moonlight! A starry sky may attract a larger audience, but a moonlit landscape is my dream.

The moon’s cycle is symbolic of our human cycles. And the full moon represents all that we cast to the depths of our subconscious. The things that we ignore in our bodies, in our soul. The cob-webbed corners of our deepest hopes and fears.

For many, it is an unpleasant, chaotic time. For others, a magical opportunity for change. For you, it may go completely unnoticed. But what I love about the human experience is that we get to choose the weight of meaning for ourselves — and for me, the moon reminds me I am always shifting, never fully visible to the world at all times. And what remains hidden, will certainly come back into view again.

This is what leads me to Jolene. To put it simply, Jolene is an alter-ego that I decided to name as a coping mechanism. She is the battered, hyper-vigilant, grieving, angry, righteous part of me. There are many therapy terms for this I am sure, but she is a facet of my personality, an archetype, a wing of my inner mind.

Whenever I feel anxious and overwhelmed, I can assume Jolene takes part. Whether she is scared of being left behind, fearing for my safety, concerned of being judged — she is, at her core, my protector. I didn’t always see it this way. Her mighty sword often brings to light emotions I don’t enjoy feeling. But ever since I gave her an identity outside these emotions, I’m able to see her more clearly. This entire naming endeavor has been a sort of artistic approach to my own well-being.

Jolene woke me up this morning, in a fit of anxiety about home chores (why do you always struggle to clean the bathroom?), exercising (it’s been a month since you went to yoga!), finances (you should be so far ahead of where you are now!), and the list goes on. The full moon, doing its work. Every nocturnal insect becomes visible.

These are common experiences, of course. We are all Peter Pan frantically cutting at our shadow in hopes of freedom and a better view of ourselves, whatever that means.

But giving Jolene an identity of her own means we can have conversations in the little garden of my mind. I ask her what she fears most and what she needs. I draw or paint images of her as a way to get it down on paper and visualize her. She becomes whole and real to me.

And now, I see her as this powerful part of me that isn’t just fearful and rash, but rather an untapped source for courage, initiative, and passion. For so long I feared her intensity, when in truth, her fiery spirit is what allows me to move forward even when I’m afraid.

Lately, I have been exploring what she looks like in my art. Whether it’s pastel abstracts or watercolor blobs or pencil sketches — I imagine her looking back at me. And in her full illumination, she is beautiful.

I wonder… who is this intimate part of you? What is their name? And what are you missing about them?

Sending you clarity and peace on this potent day.

with love,
Breena

P.S. I’ve attached a few journal entries that represented Jolene — small studies for larger pieces. I’m curious, what do you notice in them?

P.P.S. I do not know why I named her Jolene. It just came to me! Her? ; )